paracetamol“I’d just taken a couple of paracetamols,” Mr Pain said, speaking yesterday after his wife was tragically injured in a freak accident. “I was on my way to the kitchen to get a glass of water to swill them down with, when my nose began to tickle. I couldn’t help it, I just let out a huge sneeze.”

One of the paracetamols shot out of Mr Pain’s mouth and smashed into the right eye of Roberta Pain who was just emerging from the kitchen carrying a cup of hot black coffee. The shock of the impact caused Mrs Pain to let go of the cup, hurling its contents all over the cat, who jumped up from its place near the radiator and attacked Mrs Pain’s other eye. Mrs Pain fell over and hit her head on the hard ceramic tiles of the kitchen floor, knocking herself unconscious. When she came to at the local hospital, Mrs Pain found that she had lost her eyesight.

Mr Pain was distraught: “I blame the cat,” he said, choking back the tears. “I kept telling her that its rightful place was out the back, that’s where it belonged. After all, cats are wild animals, aren’t they?”

The local branch of CAD (Cats Against Discrimination) disagreed, their spokesperson, Belinda Beagle rushed to the defence of the feline: “Cats may have evolved from wild animals, but they’ve been living alongside humans for thousands of years. They are our responsibility. Quite frankly, people should show more respect for animals.”

The House of Commons will host an emergency debate today, demanded by the local MP, Bernard Biter, calling for stricter controls on domestic animals. “It’s disgusting,” he said, “ten years ago, my mother died after stepping on the neighbour’s pet chameleon, no one can tell me that they are domesticated animals.” Mr Biter continued: “Animals should stay where they belong, in cages or in the oven, there’s no place for sentiment in the world today, while innocent people are getting seriously injured every day by the beasts.”

There has been a spate of similar incidents over the last two years. Only last July a dead seagull fell from the sky and into the chimney of the Plumpy Chicken factory, causing a blockage just as the left over bits from twenty thousand processed chickens were being incinerated. The dead bird’s body blocked the chimney causing the fumes from the burning bits to spread out into the factory, killing two chicken-throat-slitters who were having a tea break and a fag in a cosy corner of the incineration sheds.

The widow of one of the slitters, now remarried to a turkey-gutter, said: “Charlie was such a lively man, very popular, he did loads of work for charity. We were due to go on our holidays, to see the bullfights in Spain. Charlie was looking forward to that. There’s nothing he liked better than seeing an animal put to rights.”

Local abattoir owner, Jack Slaughter, came forward with a generous offer late last night: “I’d like to extend an invitation to anyone who has been traumatised by an altercation with an animal. We are offering local residents the chance to get their own back by personally administering the lethal blow. I find it quite therapeutic, and I get to do it whenever I want.”

Anyone who is interested in taking up Mr Slaughter’s generous offer is asked to contact him on 234666.


Roberta Pain died in the early hours of this morning. Surprisingly she did not die of her injuries. A hospital spokesperson said: “The accident was a blessing in disguise really, Mrs Pain had a live lobster in her large intestine. It was slowly eating her insides away; she would have died in great pain within a fortnight anyway. The drugs we gave her after her accident ensured that she died peacefully.” A government spokesperson added: “We have issued several warnings over the past year or two about undercooked seafood, we cannot stress too much the advice given that people should ensure that the animals they eat are thoroughly dead before consumption.” Mr Pain was too distraught to comment.



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