It Doesn’t Matter – a Play for the Stage

Read the whole play below, or download is a Word doc It Doesn-t Matter

IT DOESN’T MATTER

A ONE ACT PLAY

CHARACTERS:

ADAM: A MAN

BEN: A MAN

CARRIE: A WOMAN

THE THREE CHARACTERS ARE OF WORKING AGE AND ARE IN THE SAME AGE RANGE.

SCENE: TYPICAL OPEN PLAN LOUNGE/KITCHEN 2015

ADAM IS HOVERING NEAR THE KITCHEN AREA. BEN IS AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER.

ADAM: What are you doing?

BEN: What do you mean what am I doing?

ADAM: I mean what are you doing?

BEN: Talking to you – obviously.

ADAM: Before that what were you doing?

BEN: What do you mean what was I doing?

ADAM: I mean what were you doing before I asked you what are you doing?

BEN: Ah then. Nothing. I wasn’t doing anything.

ADAM: Yes you were. I saw you doing something.

BEN: What was I doing?

ADAM: What do you mean what were you doing?

BEN: I mean what was I doing before you asked me what I was doing?

ADAM: It doesn’t matter.

BEN: What doesn’t matter?

ADAM: It.

BEN: It? That’s not an answer. That’s just a very small sound. It, it, it, it, it. See, it takes hardly any time at all to say it. It’s just a small sound.

ADAM: Don’t you mean a short sound?

BEN: What do you mean?

ADAM: I mean it’s a short sound, not a small sound.

BEN: Why can’t it be a small sound?

ADAM: It can be a small sound, but in a different way. I can whisper it like this ‘it’, then it would be a small sound. Or I can shout it like this ‘IT’, then it’s a big sound. But really it’s a short sound, it lasts no time at all, a short time, not a long time. Hence it is a short sound.

BEN: No, it’s not. Sounds are loud or quiet not long or short.

ADAM: They’re not big or small either.

BEN: Well, ‘it’ is not an answer.

ADAM: ‘It’ is an answer. At least it was an answer to the question you asked.

BEN: What was the question?

ADAM: You asked me ‘what doesn’t matter?’

BEN: And you said it didn’t matter.

ADAM: And it didn’t, doesn’t.

BEN: But what is it that doesn’t matter?

ADAM: I asked you what you were doing.

BEN: Oh – I see. No, you’re right it doesn’t matter.

ADAM: I didn’t mean it doesn’t matter what you were doing.

BEN: What did you mean?

ADAM: It doesn’t matter.

BEN: Cup of tea?

ADAM: Yes please.

AS BEN MAKES THE TEA ADAM SITS ON THE SOFA AND PICKS UP A BOOK THAT’S LYING ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

BEN: Why are you here anyway?

ADAM: This is an odd book.

BEN: What do you mean odd?

ADAM: I dunno. It doesn’t feel right. It’s too heavy, or too light, or something.

BEN: I don’t think so. Give it here.

BEN WEIGHS THE BOOK IN HIS HAND.

BEN: You’re right – it is a bit weird. What’s it about?

ADAM: I don’t know, it’s your book.

BEN: No it’s not. It’s yours.

ADAM: How can it be mine?

BEN: What are you doing here anyway?

ADAM: Where’s that tea?

BEN PUTS THE BOOK DOWN AND GETS THE TEA. HE HANDS ONE CUP TO ADAM AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM WITH THE OTHER.

BEN: So what’s going on?

ADAM: What do you mean what’s going on?

BEN: In your life or whatever, what’s going on?

ADAM: Not a lot. What about you?

BEN: So why are you here anyway?

CARRIE COMES IN, SHE SEES ADAM

CARRIE LOOKS AT BEN

CARRIE: What are you doing?

BEN: What do you mean what am I doing?

ADAM STANDS UP.

ADAM: It doesn’t matter.

CARRIE: What doesn’t matter?

ADAM: Nice to see you.

CARRIE AND ADAM KISS CHEEKS.

CARRIE: Mwah mwah.

ADAM: Mwah mwah.

CARRIE: (TO BEN) Is that a cup of tea I see?

BEN: Do you want one?

BEN STANDS UP AND GOES TO MAKE THE TEA.

ADAM SITS DOWN

CARRIE SITS DOWN NEXT TO ADAM AND KICKS HER SHOES OFF.

ADAM: Had a good day?

CARRIE: Yeah – not bad, and you?

ADAM: All right.

CARRIE: Where’s that tea?

BEN: Give it a chance to brew.

CARRIE: As long as it’s hot and sweet.

BEN: OK.

ADAM: Listen. Let me tell you something. I’ve written a song.

CARRIE: A song?

BEN: A song? You?

ADAM: Yes. Well the words anyway. I can’t write music.

BEN: You can’t sing either.

ADAM: I’m not going to sing it. You’re allowed to write songs and not be a singer. Look at Elton John and Bernard What’s-his-name, or . . or . .

BEN: So who’s your Elton John?

ADAM: I dunno yet. I was thinking . . . (NODS TOWARDS CARRIE) you know . . .

BEN: What? Her?

CARRIE: What? Me?

ADAM: Well, you are a singer.

CARRIE: Me? No I’m not.

BEN: She’s not.

ADAM: I’m sure you are.

CARRIE: I’m sure I’m not.

BEN: So let’s hear it then.

ADAM: What?

BEN: The song.

CARRIE: Yes, let’s hear it.

ADAM: Just the words.

BEN: Just the words.

CARRIE: Just the words.

ADAM: I see the sun coming over the top, I so want to touch it but it’s too bloody hot.

BEN: Hang on. You can’t say that in a song.

ADAM: What?

BEN: Bloody. You can’t say bloody in a song.

ADAM: Why not?

CARRIE: I like it.

BEN: You like it?

CARRIE: Yes.

ADAM: Thank you.

BEN: Whatever. You can’t say bloody.

ADAM: Why not?

BEN: Well, you want to get it heard don’t you?

ADAM: I dunno.

BEN: Why did you write it then?

CARRIE: He’s allowed to be creative.

ADAM: Yes, I’m allowed to be creative. It doesn’t have to be about success.

BEN: Who said anything about success?

CARRIE: You did. You said it’ll never be successful if he said bloody.

BEN: No I didn’t.

CARRIE: Where’s that tea?

BEN: We’ve run out of sugar.

CARRIE: Oh bloody hell.

BEN: I’ll go and get some then shall I?

CARRIE: Yes, that would be nice.

ADAM: What about my song?

BEN: What about your song?

ADAM: There’s more.

BEN: More words? More verses?

ADAM: Both.

CARRIE: He can hear it when he comes back.

BEN: Righto.

BEN LEAVES.

ADAM: Here, you can have my tea. I didn’t really want it anyway.

CARRIE: Oh thanks.

CARRIE SIPS THE TEA.

CARRIE: There’s no sugar in it.

ADAM: I don’t take sugar in my tea. Coffee now, that’s different. I have to have sugar in coffee.

CARRIE: It doesn’t matter.

ADAM: It doesn’t matter what?

CARRIE: It doesn’t matter about the tea.

ADAM: What’s wrong with the tea?

CARRIE: There’s no sugar in it.

ADAM: I don’t take sugar in tea. Coffee now, that’s…

CARRIE: I know.

ADAM: You know what?

CARRIE: I know you take sugar in coffee.

ADAM: How do you know that?

CARRIE: I’m very observant.

ADAM: You are. You’re also very observable.

CARRIE: Ooh observable.

ADAM: Sorry.

CARRIE: Why are you sorry?

ADAM: Sorry if I offended you.

CARRIE: You didn’t offend me.

ADAM: No?

CARRIE: No. I like being observable.

ADAM: You do?

CARRIE: Yes.

ADAM: It’s not creepy?

CARRIE: Not coming from you.

ADAM: That’s a surprise.

CARRIE: Life is full of surprises.

ADAM: Is it?

CARRIE LEANS CLOSER TO ADAM AND KISSES HIS CHEEK

ADAM RECOILS WITH SURPRISE

CARRIE: There.

ADAM: Stop it.

CARRIE: Why?

ADAM: It’s just not right.

CARRIE: So why are you here?

ADAM: Where has he gone?

CARRIE: He’s gone to get some sugar for the tea.

ADAM: But I don’t take sugar.

CARRIE: I know. It’s for me.

ADAM: You’re sweet enough . . . sorry.

CARRIE: Ooh.

CARRIE SLAPS ADAM’S THIGH.

CARRIE: Naughty boy.

ADAM: I wish.

CARRIE: What’s the matter? Aren’t you getting any?

ADAM: Getting any what?

CARRIE: Sex. Aren’t you getting any sex.

ADAM: I don’t know if I should talk to you about that.

CARRIE: Why not?

ADAM: Because of him.

CARRIE: Who him? (GESTURES AT THE DOOR.)

ADAM: He’d be upset.

CARRIE: He wouldn’t care.

ADAM: Really?

CARRIE: Really.

ADAM: He’s lucky to have you. That’s what I need.

CARRIE: No, you just need someone to have sex with.

ADAM: Stop it. Stop talking like that. Stop saying that word.

CARRIE: Sex, sex, sex.

CARRIE LAUGHS AND SLAPS ADAM ON THE THIGH AGAIN.

ADAM: And stop doing that too.

CARRIE: Ooh.

BEN COMES BACK IN WITH THE SUGAR.

BEN: What are you doing?

ADAM: What do you mean what am I doing?

BEN Not you. (POINTS AT CARRIE) You.

CARRIE: Me?

BEN: Yes you. What were you doing?

CARRIE: What do you mean what was I doing?

BEN: When I came in what were you doing?

CARRIE: I don’t know. What was I doing?

BEN: You tell me. You were doing it.

CARRIE: Huh!

BEN: What do you mean huh?

CARRIE: It doesn’t matter.

BEN: What doesn’t matter?

CARRIE: Did you get the sugar?

BEN What do you think this is? (THEN TO ADAM) Tell her what this is.

ADAM: What do you mean tell her what that is? I can’t do that.

BEN: Why can’t you do that?

ADAM: I don’t want to get involved.

CARRIE: Quite right too.

BEN: No, go on, tell her what it is.

ADAM: Oh, all right. It’s a bag of sugar.

BEN: There, see, I got the sugar.

CARRIE: Good boy. Now go on then.

BEN: Go on then what?

CARRIE: Go on and make a fresh cup of tea. (THEN TO ADAM) You want one don’t you?

ADAM: What?

CARRIE: A cup of tea.

ADAM: I’ve already got a cup of tea.

CARRIE: No you haven’t. You gave it to me – remember?

ADAM: Oh, OK then. I’ll have a cuppa.

BEN GOES TO MAKE THE TEA.

BEN: (TO ADAM) Why are you here? You never said.

CARRIE: It’s the song silly. Isn’t it? It’s the song.

ADAM: Well, not really.

CARRIE: Go on then.

ADAM: Go on then what?

CARRIE: Let’s hear it – the rest of the song.

ADAM: I’m not sure.

BEN: Go on – let’s hear it.

ADAM: OK. I’ll start again.

BEN: If you must.

ADAM: I see the sun coming over the hill. I so want to grab it but it’s too blo . . . (HESITATES AND MUMBLES) bloody hot.

BEN: Those aren’t the same words.

ADAM: What do you mean?

BEN: And it doesn’t make sense. You can’t grab the sun. Even if it wasn’t too bloody hot it would be too far away – and too big – you’d never get your hands around the sun.

CARRIE: It’s a song silly. It’s a metaphor.

ADAM: Yes, it’s a metaphor.

BEN: What’s it a metaphor for then?

ADAM: Well, it’s the sun, and it’s hot.

CARRIE: Yes, and it’s coming over the hill – top.

BEN: That’s not a metaphor. Do you know what a metaphor is?

ADAM: Of course.

BEN: What is it then?

ADAM: Well it’s a metaphor for something else.

BEN: Exactly. So what is your song a metaphor for?

ADAM: What do you mean?

BEN: I mean . . .

CARRIE: Oh shut up. It’s a lovely song.

ADAM: Thanks.

CARRIE: You know what. I might just sing it after all.

BEN: You can’t sing.

CARRIE: What do you mean I can’t sing. Who said I can’t sing?

BEN: You did.

ADAM: Yes, you did.

CARRIE: No I didn’t. I didn’t say that.

BEN: What did you say then?

CARRIE: I said I don’t sing – there’s a difference between can’t and don’t.

BEN: Not in my book.

ADAM: So it is your book.

CARRIE: What book?

ADAM: That book there. It’s an odd book.

CARRIE: What do you mean odd?

ADAM: I dunno. Here – have a feel.

CARRIE: Ooh.

ADAM: I mean have a hold, a look.

BEN: Yes, have a look at the book.

CARRIE HOLDS THE BOOK

CARRIE: You’re right it does feel odd.

ADAM: There I told you.

CARRIE: What’s it about?

ADAM: What’s what about?

CARRIE: What’s the book about?

ADAM: I dunno. It’s not my book.

CARRIE: Who’s book is it then?

ADAM: I thought it might be yours.

CARRIE: It’s not my book. Why would it be my book? I don’t have any books.

BEN: Yes you do. You’ve got loads of books.

CARRIE: No I don’t.

BEN: What about that lot in the bookcase then?

CARRIE: They’re not book books.

ADAM: What’s a book book?

CARRIE: Books you use, books you read, that sort of thing.

BEN: It doesn’t matter about the book. You still can’t sing.

CARRIE: Who are you to say I can’t sing?

BEN: I’ve never heard you sing, you’ve never talked about singing.

CARRIE: Why would I talk about singing? Just because I don’t talk about singing doesn’t mean I can’t sing.

ADAM: She’s right.

BEN: She won’t anyway.

CARRIE: What won’t I do?

BEN: You won’t sing.

CARRIE: How do you know?

BEN: Because you never sing.

CARRIE: Says you. (THEN TO ADAM) Go on.

ADAM: Go on what?

CARRIE: Sing the rest of the song.

ADAM: Sing? Me?

BEN: Just bloody say it then.

ADAM: All right then.

BEN: Don’t start from the beginning again though.

ADAM: OK. I see the sun coming over the top. I so want to grab it . . .

BEN: Hang on. You started again.

ADAM: No I didn’t.

BEN: You were singing the same words.

ADAM: Yes, they’re repeated.

BEN: That’s stupid.

CARRIE: No it’s not. It’s a song. You’re allowed to repeat the same words in a song.

BEN: Not like that.

CARRIE JUMPS UP FROM THE SETTEE AND DANCES – SINGING . . .

CARRIE: She loves you, yeah yeah yeah. She loves you, yeah yeah yeah. She loves you, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

BEN: That’s different.

CARRIE: Why?

BEN: It’s the Beatles.

CARRIE: So? What’s so special about them.

BEN: They’re the Beatles.

ADAM: Oh yes. Fair play. The Beatles were special.

CARRIE: Well even they had to start somewhere.

BEN: Yes, and of course they could sing.

CARRIE: Oh shut up.

BEN: (TO ADAM) Got any weed?

ADAM: No.

BEN: (TO CARRIE) Have you got any?

CARRIE: No.

BEN: I could do with a spliff. I’ll just pop next door, they’re bound to have some.

ADAM: Get a bit for me while you’re at it.

BEN: OK. How much?

ADAM: I dunno. Not much. I’m a bit skint to be honest.

BEN: I’ll see what I can do.

ADAM: Thanks.

BEN: That’s what friends are for.

CARRIE: Huh!

BEN: What do you mean by that?

CARRIE: What?

BEN: Huh! What do you mean by huh?

CARRIE: It doesn’t matter.

BEN LEAVES.

CARRIE: Are you really skint?

ADAM: Yes.

CARRIE: Is that why you’re here?

ADAM: No – not really.

CARRIE: Why are you here then?

ADAM: You can sing you know. You didn’t sound too bad just then.

CARRIE: Too bad?

ADAM: Good, you sounded good.

CARRIE: Thanks.

CARRIE SITS DOWN CLOSE TO ADAM. ADAM PICKS THE BOOK UP AND FONDLES IT ABSENT-MINDEDLY

CARRIE: Put that book down.

ADAM: Why?

CARRIE: It’s irrelevant.

ADAM: Why?

CARRIE: There is no why if it’s irrelevant.

ADAM: Why?

CARRIE: It doesn’t matter.

ADAM: What do you mean it doesn’t matter?

CARRIE SNATCHES THE BOOK AND THROWS IT ACROSS THE ROOM

ADAM: Why did you do that?

CARRIE: I didn’t know you smoked.

ADAM: I don’t.

CARRIE: Why do you want weed then?

ADAM: I make cookies.

CARRIE: Oh, I’ve never had one of those.

ADAM: I’ll give you one.

CARRIE: Ooh. You will?

ADAM: Of course, any time.

CARRIE: Do they make you randy?

ADAM: What?

CARRIE: Cookies. I heard they make you randy.

ADAM: I hope not. They send me to sleep.

CARRIE: What’s the good of that?

ADAM: It gets boring.

CARRIE: Eating cookies gets boring?

ADAM: No, It does. You know – it. Without someone to share it with. Someone like you.

CARRIE: It’s sex again isn’t it? You just want sex.

ADAM: Don’t say that.

CARRIE: What? Sex? Sex, sex, sex.

ADAM: No, it’s not that.

CARRIE: Why are you here anyway?

BEN COMES BACK IN, STOPS, TURNS AROUND, STARTS TO GO BACK OUT AGAIN.

CARRIE: What are you doing?

BEN: I forgot.

CARRIE: Forgot what?

BEN: The weed.

CARRIE: Silly sod. (TO ADAM) He’s a silly sod isn’t he?

BEN LEAVES AGAIN

ADAM: I wouldn’t say that.

CARRIE: I would. I just did.

ADAM: I know.

CARRIE: So, do you want sex then? Is that what you want?

ADAM: Stop it. I’ve already told you. That’s not why I’m here.

CARRIE: Not now silly. We can’t have sex now. Well maybe we can, just depends how quick we are.

ADAM: Stop it. Stop talking like that. He’s only gone next door.

CARRIE: Huh! He could be ages. All night sometimes. He’s a mouth on legs when he gets going, especially after a smoke.

ADAM STANDS UP AND PACES

ADAM: What happened to that tea?

CARRIE: You drank it.

ADAM: No I didn’t.

ADAM GOES AND GETS THE TEA.

CARRIE: It’s probably stewed now.

ADAM TAKES A SIP

ADAM: Nah. It is a bit cold though.

BEN COMES BACK – THROWS A LITTLE BAG ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

BEN: There you go.

CARRIE: That was quick.

ADAM: What is it?

BEN: Weed.

ADAM: I meant what sort of weed.

BEN: I dunno. Smells good though. Organically grown in Lisvane apparently.

CARRIE: Posh up there.

ADAM: How much?

BEN: It’s all right. It’s for you, for a mate. A good mate.

ADAM: Seriously?

BEN: Yes mate.

ADAM AND BEN HUG

ADAM: Thanks mate.

CARRIE: Oi, you two, break it up and skin up.

ADAM: I’ll do it.

ADAM GOES BACK TO THE SOFA

CARRIE: (TO BEN) Make us a fresh cup of tea.

BEN: Huh!

CARRIE: What do you mean huh? It’s not much to ask is it? From me of all people.

ADAM SNIFFS THE WEED

ADAM: Nice. Smells like cheese.

CARRIE: Cheese? Give it here. (TAKES THE WEED AND SNIFFS) No, it doesn’t – not like any kind of cheese I’ve ever had.

ADAM AND BEN BOTH LAUGH

CARRIE: Why are you laughing?

BEN: It’s just called cheese, it’s a type of weed.

CARRIE: I know that.

BEN: What did you expect then? Caerphilly?

ADAM: I thought you said it came from Lisvane.

BEN: Never mind.

CARRIE: Never mind what?

BEN: You know, the cheese that’s not cheese.

CARRIE: Why do they call it cheese if it’s not like cheese then?

BEN: Never mind.

CARRIE: Patronising bastard.

ADAM: (STANDS UP) It doesn’t matter.

CARRIE: What?

BEN: What doesn’t matter?

ADAM: It doesn’t matter if it smells like cheese.

CARRIE: Yes. Well it doesn’t.

BEN: There you are then.

CARRIE: No, it doesn’t matter if it smells like cheese. What does matter is the way you talk to me.

BEN: What are you going on about?

CARRIE: See, like that. Patronising bastard.

BEN (LAUGHS) (TO ADAM) I’m not a patronising bastard, am I? Go on, tell her.

ADAM: Tell her what?

BEN: Tell her that I’m not a patronising bastard.

ADAM: I’m keeping out of it, don’t drag me into it.

CARRIE: No – go on. Tell him that he is a patronising bastard.

ADAM: I can’t do that.

CARRIE: Why not?

ADAM: He’s my mate. You can’t say things like that to your mates.

BEN: He’s right.

CARRIE: Shut up you. Why can’t you say things like that to your mates?

ADAM: Well, it’s just not right to upset your friends.

CARRIE: But I’m your friend as well. Aren’t I?

ADAM: I suppose so. As far as it goes.

CARRIE: What do you mean as far as it goes?

BEN: You know what he means.

CARRIE: No I don’t.

BEN: Yes you do.

CARRIE: So now you’re telling me what I know. Tell me, how do you know what I know?

BEN I just do. That’s the way things are. (THEN TO ADAM) Aren’t they?

ADAM: Maybe. I dunno.

CARRIE: What do you mean you don’t know – we are friends. We talk about things.

BEN: What things?

ADAM: What?

BEN: What things do you talk about?

ADAM: Nothing much.

BEN: Give me an example.

CARRIE: Oh shut up.

BEN: Stop telling me to shut up.

CARRIE: Shut up.

BEN No. (THEN TO ADAM) Go on.

ADAM: Go on what?

BEN: Give me an example of what you talk to her about.

ADAM: I told you. Nothing much.

CARRIE: Huh!

BEN What do you mean huh! (THEN TO ADAM) What does she mean huh!

ADAM: How should I know. It’s nothing to do with me.

BEN: What isn’t?

ADAM: You know, you two, your relationship. It’s nothing to do with me.

BEN: What are you doing here anyway?

CARRIE JUMPS UP

CARRIE: This is fucking boring. Is that spliff ready yet?

ADAM: Just about.

CARRIE: And the tea?

BEN: Just about.

CARRIE: Come on then, let’s party. She loves you, yeah yeah yeah. She loves you, yeah yeah yeah. She loves you, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

THEY ALL SIT DOWN QUIETLY SIPPING TEA

THEY SHARE THE SPLIFF. BEN TAKES A TOKE

BEN: You know what, it does taste a bit like cheese, not Caerphilly though, more like that blue stuff.

THEY ALL LAUGH

BEN: What’s that book doing on the floor?

CARRIE: What book?

BEN: It doesn’t matter?

CARRIE: What doesn’t?

ADAM: The book.

CARRIE: The book doesn’t matter.

ADAM: I know.

BEN: What about your song?

ADAM: It doesn’t matter.

CARRIE: What doesn’t matter?

ADAM: Fancy a pint?

BEN: I dunno. Might need to straighten up first. This stuff is strong.

CARRIE: Lightweight.

ADAM: It doesn’t matter.

CARRIE: What doesn’t matter?

ADAM: It doesn’t matter about the pint.

CARRIE: (TO BEN) You could always go to the offy.

BEN: I suppose so.

BEN GETS UP

BEN: Anyone want anything?

CARRIE: Ooh. Let me think.

BEN: Hurry up then. I haven’t got all night.

CARRIE: Chill, it’s early.

BEN (TO ADAM) What about you?

ADAM: What about me?

BEN: Do you want anything from the offy.

ADAM: What drinks are you getting?

BEN: I dunno. The usual, a few cans, a couple of bottles.

CARRIE: Wait. I’ll have some of those crisps, you know, in a big red bag.

BEN OK. (THEN TO ADAM) Anything for you?

ADAM: Um, no. It’s all right.

CARRIE: He’s skint.

BEN: It doesn’t matter. I’ll get you something.

ADAM: Thanks mate.

BEN LEAVES

ADAM: Did you have to tell him that?

CARRIE: Did I have to tell him what?

ADAM: Did you have to tell him I’m skint?

CARRIE: You told him yourself just now.

ADAM: Did I?

CARRIE: Yes you did.

ADAM: Still. There was no need for you to emphasise it.

CARRIE: Why not? He’s your mate isn’t he.

ADAM: You’ll be telling him I want sex next.

CARRIE: No I won’t. That’s between you and me. I don’t tell him everything.

ADAM: Yes you do.

CARRIE: Pardon?

ADAM: He told me.

CARRIE: Why did he tell you that?

ADAM: We’re mates.

CARRIE: Well I don’t, not everything.

ADAM: What don’t you tell him then?

CARRIE: I dunno. Like about you wanting sex, things like that.

ADAM: I don’t want sex.

CARRIE: Yes you do.

ADAM: No I don’t.

CARRIE: You can be honest with me you know. I wouldn’t tell him that.

ADAM: Good, don’t go telling him things like that.

CARRIE: Why not anyway?

ADAM: It’s just not the done thing anyway.

CARRIE: I thought you were mates, you tell each other everything.

ADAM: It doesn’t work like that.

CARRIE: So why are you here anyway?

SHE SLAPS HIS THIGH

ADAM: Stop it. Please don’t do that.

CARRIE: Why? Are you getting aroused?

ADAM: No.

ADAM STANDS UP

ADAM: Shall I roll another spliff.

CARRIE: While we’re waiting like?

ADAM: Yeah. Why not?

CARRIE: Hold on, you don’t smoke.

ADAM: Who said that?

CARRIE: You did, you told me you don’t smoke.

ADAM: I don’t.

CARRIE: What about that spliff we just smoked?

ADAM: That’s different. That’s not smoking.

CARRIE: Whatever. Skin up.

ADAM STARTS TO SKIN UP

CARRIE: Now’s your chance.

ADAM: Now’s my chance to what?

CARRIE: Now’s your chance to tell me the rest of your song. While he’s out.

ADAM: Why?

CARRIE: He’s rude.

ADAM: I’m not sure about that.

CARRIE: What aren’t you sure about?

ADAM: It doesn’t matter.

CARRIE: What doesn’t matter?

ADAM: It doesn’t matter about the song.

CARRIE: Of course it matters.

ADAM: No, it doesn’t.

CARRIE: I suppose you’re right.

ADAM: I am.

CARRIE: Tell me anyway.

ADAM: Tell you what?

CARRIE: The song.

ADAM: I’m not sure I should be singing songs to my mate’s girlfriend.

CARRIE: What are you talking about? I’m not his girlfriend.

ADAM: Yes you are.

CARRIE: No I’m not.

ADAM: I’m sure you are.

CARRIE: I’m sure I’m not.

ADAM: That’s odd.

CARRIE: What’s odd.

ADAM: It’s odd that you’re not his girlfriend.

CARRIE: That wouldn’t be right.

ADAM: What wouldn’t?

CARRIE: It wouldn’t be right if I was his girlfriend.

ADAM: Why?

CARRIE: How long have you known me?

ADAM: I dunno. Ever since you moved in.

CARRIE: And when was that?

ADAM: I dunno, a couple of years.

CARRIE: Nearly three years.

ADAM: So you’re not his girlfriend?

CARRIE: No.

ADAM: So what is your relationship? Is it one of them open relationships?

CARRIE: Good god no.

ADAM: I don’t understand then.

CARRIE: I’m his sister silly.

ADAM: His sister? Are you sure?

CARRIE: Oh bloody hell. Is that spliff ready yet?

ADAM: Yeah. Here you are.

HE HANDS HER THE SPLIFF, SHE LIGHTS IT AND SITS BACK

CARRIE: Nice. What did he say it was again?

ADAM: Cheese?

CARRIE: Oh yeah. Cheese. Nice. So why are you here again?

ADAM: I can’t get over it.

CARRIE: You can’t get over what?

ADAM: That you are his sister. You know, I thought . . .

CARRIE: I can’t think why.

ADAM: So he’s not.

CARRIE: He’s not what?

ADAM: Nothing – it doesn’t matter.

CARRIE: You mean he’s not getting any either.

ADAM: Well . . .

CARRIE: Sex, sex, sex. No he’s not.

ADAM: Stop it. Stop saying that word.

CARRIE: Why? It’s only a word. It’s not like any of us is getting any.

ADAM: I still can’t believe it.

CARRIE: Believe what?

ADAM: I still can’t believe that you’re his sister.

CARRIE: Oh bloody hell. Here – have a toke on this, it might kickstart your brain.

ADAM: No thanks. I don’t smoke.

CARRIE: Yes you do.

ADAM: No I don’t. I make cookies.

CARRIE: It doesn’t matter.

ADAM: What doesn’t matter?

CARRIE: Why are you here?

ADAM: It doesn’t matter.

CARRIE: What doesn’t matter?

ADAM: It?

CARRIE: What do you mean it?

ADAM: I think I’d better go.

ADAM STANDS UP

CARRIE: Why? What about the booze. He’ll be back in a minute.

ADAM: I don’t drink.

CARRIE: If you say so.

CARRIE PICKS THE BOOK UP AND HANDS IT TO ADAM

CARRIE: Don’t forget your book.

ADAM: Thanks. (HE TAKES THE BOOK)

CARRIE: Bye then.

ADAM: Bye.

HE STARTS TO WALK OUT – TURNS BACK

ADAM: Oh, if you ever fancy coming over to mine . . . for a . . . cookie.

CARRIE: Hmm. Yeah. OK.

ADAM: See you then.

CARRIE: See you.

CARRIE SITS DOWN AND SMOKES SILENTLY

BEN COMES IN WITH A CARRIER BAG

CARRIE: Oh good.

BEN PUTS THE BAG ON THE COFFEE TABLE

CARRIE: Did you get the crisps? I’m starving.

BEN: No.

CARRIE: It doesn’t matter.

BEN: I got some chips instead.

CARRIE: Oh great. That’s better than crisps.

CARRIE RIFLES IN THE BAG AND EATS THE CHIPS.

BEN: Where is he?

CARRIE: He’s gone.

BEN: What do you mean he’s gone?

CARRIE: I dunno. He just went.

BEN: Did he take his book?

CARRIE: What book?

BEN: It doesn’t matter.

CARRIE: What doesn’t?

BEN: Why was he here anyway?

CARRIE: I dunno, he never said. Here – fancy a chip.

BEN: What about his stupid song?

CARRIE: It’s not stupid.

BEN: What is it then?

CARRIE: It doesn’t matter.

BEN: Yes it does.

CARRIE: It really doesn’t matter.

– end of scene, act and play –

Read the whole play above, or download is a Word doc It Doesn-t Matter

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